On the days we do not die...
‘Thinkin Bout You’ by Frank Ocean plays in background.
Shadows rest on the fences, by the walls. Noises down the hall. Life doesn't frighten me at all. Bad dogs barking loud. Big ghosts in a cloud. Life doesn't move me at all. On the days that I do not die, I will live.
I recently discovered a technique for putting myself to sleep before the thoughts take over, and it involved visualising myself dozing off. Even more recently, I began to physically swat away any thoughts that wanted to occupy too much mental space or call into doubt the security of my beliefs or my reality to a great extent.
Like closing the door on flies or zapping them with an electric bat, I try to not let these thoughts manifest at all. But like flies, I don't always catch them all. And like I feel about most things I own, the zappers are second-hand, and I do not truly deserve them, so they don't work well.
My ability to pretend to be asleep has thus stopped working for weeks, and I am now frequently awake at midnight, wondering if everything we own actually belongs to us. If there is anything truly innate, it is our souls—pure, unadulterated souls—who are just ourselves. doubting its genetics and how everything is connected.
Did you know that when you imagine things, you are unable to see what is directly in front of you? You know this, it's why you read books, watch movies, and doomscroll. Did anything spawn from the very core of my being untouched by the people I'm surrounded by? Do I even exist without other people? Do I even exist?
Okay. Where was I?
I know what’s on your mind. “Seto, you post this thing every day, nauu.”
I said to my friends, “To survive this world, you’ve got to be a little delusional.” How do you even live a non-delusional life? Did someone say boring? Yeah, that’s right. Boring!
You wake up naturally, exercise, meditate, don’t use your phone, don’t listen to music, get all your work done, walk around nature, take deep breaths, and go back to sleep.
What an ideal day, isn’t it?
Today, you didn’t have a crush to obsess over. You weren’t waiting for a situationship to text you back. All your socials are deactivated, so you weren’t mindlessly scrolling through reels or sharing memes. You were not listening to songs on repeat, imagining cute romantic scenarios that are never going to happen.
Living a fantasy is so much more fun than facing reality. Yes, today was boring. But wasn’t it peaceful?
On other days, we will not.
Today, I am not here to preach mindfulness or encourage delusion. I am here to remind you to live.
I haven’t been here for too long, yet I have seen and I have experienced. I was once delusional to the point of believing toxicity was fun (no offence). I had no idea what I was doing was considered toxic and self-destructive. For me, it was just a fun little thing to do that helped me escape this boring and utterly painful reality.
Have you ever considered the after-effects of these so-called fun, delusional moments?
No, right? A lot can go wrong if you are not mindful of where you spend your time and energy.
It is also important not to let your quest for mindfulness disengage you from having fun. There’s nothing wrong with fiction. Many days, it’s how I feel good.
LIVING is the bridge between delusion and mindfulness. This is what I choose to believe.
Mindfulness with a sprinkle of delulu.
On Speaking Out
It sounds like forced normalcy might hurt in the long run. Even if capitalism didn't actively oppose it, even if we didn't live in a nation where we are actively fighting the nation for our very own lives, even if we didn't attend schools where little matters more than our willingness to suffer, even if we didn't have a society that measures success by how much we are willing to suffer, we would never be everything we want to be in this life.
By the way, about staying up at night? I absolutely would not recommend it. This is when all the thoughts come and the questions attack. You start to wonder about many things, and all the sounds are really loud and piercing. Is that someone snoring, or is there a mountain tiger? My fear of darkness is zero when it isn't supposed to be dark, but it increases exponentially when it is supposed to be dark and I am alone and not doomscrolling or distracting myself in some other way. You will remember all the worst moments of your life, question your realities, wonder if you are going to be something in life, and try not to swat away complicated thoughts while actively swatting them away. You will also text your ex. If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.
May I also suggest that reading fantasy books where they attack all the unnatural things you choose to hide from or binge-watching scary movies is not a good way to get yourself to sleep? Also, ever heard of blue light? Yeah.
Endnote
Once again, leave your room. It's been a while since I marveled at the sky and it's taking a toll on me. Document, curse out our leaders, rip off your clothes at midnight and lay it out for MTN, love your friends, open your mind, explore the darkest crevices, the brightest possibilities, fail as badly as possible, be in pain, be in love. Just don't swat away your chances at feeling things. When they come, let them flow, like water. Capitalism wouldn't allow 100% self-actualization, but you may not allow any of it if you don't allow yourself to feel.
These moments are like exorcisms that are only ever half complete and you never know which one will work. Do you really want to give up?
The show must go on until it doesn’t.
What a beautiful read! Thank you.